It started at a young age. An age where I was too young to understand completely what was happening to me. My child's mind couldn't process the information, or even being to fathom how it would affect me later in my life.
But here I am now, 20 years old now. It's been twelve years since it all began, and I have began to go back through it all over again. Not that the last twelve years have been all bad. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I have been truly blessed my entire life with phenomenal people who have looked after my well-being. And of course, I was watched closely by our Creator. Jesus does in fact love and look over the little children.
But I have began the cycle all over again. Since my move to Manhattan, I have been recounting the things that have haunted my past. The decisions I made, the events that happened to me, the things I saw. While I know as plain as day that these are an attack from the enemy, I also know that it is actually God trying to uproot these things so that I might grow. Because if I cut this tree down now, at the very tippy top, like I have been the last twelve years, I will always have to fight the root of the problem again and again. Trust me, this fight has gone on long enough. I'm ready to be done. God is ready for me to be done with them. They've happened, I have something (maybe several somethings!) to learn from the process that God really wants to me know, and I'll never know them unless I face them. And if I don't know them, I'll never grow!
One of the biggest things I've had to process is leaving my dad and my brother behind. Little do most people know, but at 16 I was faced with the choice of moving back in with my dad, or staying in foster care. I chose to stay, because at that point in time, I couldn't trust my father. He holds zero animosity toward me for that, because he agreed: why should I have trusted him? He had only given me the same act over and over, and failed. I knew in my heart that this time would be different, but I couldn't exactly be sure. It's tough at 16 and having to make that kind of decision.
The past two months, I have relived that decision over and over. I thought that I could, somehow, squeeze all six years I was in foster care into the two years I had at Cowley. This made sense to my 16-year-old brain. However, not that I'm 20, and I've gone away, I realized how fast two years really go by, and that no matter how much you try, it's almost impossible to squeeze two years worth of stuff into two years, let alone six!
While I know the decision I made to stay in foster care was the best thing for both me and my dad, and I feel like truly what God wanted me to do, the enemy uses it as a fuel for the fire. He takes the Word and twists it, manipulates it, and does whatever possible to make you lose faith: in yourself, in your decisions, and in God's ultimate plan for you.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
-1 Peter 5:8
-1 Peter 5:8
The choice I face now is this: am I going to put on the full armor of God, and face this once and for all. or am I going to suppress it and 'deal with it later', like I have been? I have this choice to make. If I choose the latter of the two, I know that I will miss out on something huge God has in store for me. whether it be an opening into my calling, meeting my future husband, or any number of ultimate blessings. And I can't miss out of on the Kingdom, I don't have that kinda time!
So my brothers and sisters, I pray that you make this decision, too. The decision to clean out your past. We know for a fact that the blood of Christ has paid the ultimate debt and eradicated whatever our past holds. But if you still have something to learn from that past, I pray you learn in along with me. So that we don't miss out on glorifying God through the trials that we face. Remember, God doesn't give us more than we can handle! That's why he won't pile anymore on me until I can allow him to remove whatever lingers still.
This is a season, a tough season. I don't know exactly what it holds, or what it will bring, or what exactly I'm supposed to do. But I do know that I don't have to know. I know that He knows. And this, as I learned sitting around the circle of the NA groups I sat in as a child, will only come 'one day at a time'. This season will unfold 'one day at a time'.